• Daniel Ethan Finneran

From Bad to Worse: The Predictable Implosion of CNN+

Success, ‘tis said, yet more success begets–

On the prosperous rains ever more profits.

So reads the adage of the Gospel’s Jew:

The iron law, the Effect of Matthew.

“To him who has much, more will be given;

A yacht, a car, a mansion to live in!

From him who has less, though, all will be stripped,

By want afflicted, by poverty nipped;

To whose fearsome bite, he’ll no doubt succumb

For, to penury’s fangs, no one is numb”.

Against this harsh law, there’s no argument

Though it little allays the discontent

Of the poor. And to the poor, we must add

A “news” network so immeasurably bad

That a pauper, in coarse indigence clothed,

By all the world scorned and everyone loathed,

Would prefer to starve on scraps of stale crust

Than suffer a day with CNN+.

The streaming service, launched a month ago

Proved from the start inauspiciously slow

At gaining viewers. “What a shocking surprise!”--

Said no one with unclouded ears and eyes.

Why, for a fee, would you mindlessly watch

A pundit as bright as an unlit match?

A panel of experts whom you can’t trust?--

For such is the talent on CNN+.

Into this doomed venture, millions were sunk

By lusty Jeff Zucker, on his own power drunk;

Who, with an underling, had an affair

(A fine example by a network chair!)

For which, from his seat, he was promptly expelled

To the sound of which his career’s been knelled.

His replacement’s been named: Mr. Chris Licht–

A man stronger built, and less derelict.

Much of the blame has now fallen on Zucker

Once the recipient of vast corporate succor.

Don’t forget–CNN’s dad is Ted Turner

Whose filial bond is to the Brothers Warner.

Neither, on Zucker, was especially keen

Whose ouster has been anything but clean;

Who leaves, as he came, in ignominy,

The scoundrel of a shameful company.

At his behest, CNN plus was launched

With whose leave, ‘tis hoped, the bleeding’s been staunched.

But still, the network hemorrhages credit

And is trusted less than a thread on Reddit!

(Through which, for fun, I’d advise you to scroll

Who knows! You might just encounter a troll!

A sower of strife, of untruth, a peddler

Into all things an unscrupulous meddler!

He by whom misinformation is claimed

Wait…does not CNN do just the same?

Is one to be heeded, the other, scorned

When, in deceit, both are fully adorned?

Both are allergic to veracity

And sneeze at whiffs of legitimacy.

The trouble, though, is that one will pretend

To be, to candor, a devoted friend;

An ally of frank, disinterested truth

Conveyed by someone trustworthy and couth.

The other hides behind no such pretense

And inflicts on its viewer no like offense).

Remember–it wasn’t so long ago

The network proudly boasted Chris Cuomo

Whose brash journalistic misbehavior

Made him, to his trade, a baldfaced traitor.

Onto his show, he welcomed a brother

Whose scandals Chris refused to uncover:

Like the deaths of thousands of New York’s aged

Or the sex abuse in which he engaged.

(An approach to women, I’m sad to relate,

Chris, led by Andrew, did imitate).

Of all his misconduct, CNN tired

And, eventually, Chris Cuomo was fired.

We mustn’t, of course, forget Don Lemon

(A vain, mean, insufferable specimen!)

Who, in control of a platform so grand

Has neither wit nor style at his command.

Of meaningless tripe he every night speaks

As empty rhetoric flows out of his cheeks.

And worse! Other things fall out of his pants

At which even his fans can’t but look askance.

Some years ago, after fondling his part,

Rubbing the head that makes all men less smart,

He smeared on an innocent waiter’s face

The loathsome juice of that foul, nether place.

For this, by the man, the police were called

Yet one doubts Don’s deviance has been much stalled.

If, chaste reader, by that you’ve been sickened,

Your temperature raised, your heart rate quickened,

Your stomach up-turned, your nausea provoked

More illness, I fear, is soon to be stoked.

Let us recall a one Jeffery Toobin

Renowned for his great legal acumen;

His polished presence, upright and urbane

Erect as a proud cocksure weathervane.

Excuse, if you would, the crude innuendo!--

Such sordid expressions are far below

My taste. I confess, my tongue feels quite crude

When it deigns to talk of a man so lewd.

During a Zoom Call, in a lustful trice

He sought to indulge his solitary vice.

He pleasured himself, or so it is said,

Consulting with his less intelligent head.

Rubbing himself like a brute troglodyte

And giving his colleagues an awful fright;

Soiling their screens with his tumescent flesh

Which only grew more when they clicked, “refresh”.

Accuse me not of equivocating:

Toobin was seen to be masturbating!

There! I said it!--though it troubles my mind

To think with him, CNN’s still aligned.

And so, with that, as I move toward closing,

I ask of you the questions following:

What are we to make of such a network?

‘Round which every corner, two perverts lurk?

Whose staff is of virtues utterly bare

From its lead anchors, to its network chair?

An intemperate channel, laden by vice–

From whom we’re to take our news and advice?

No. CNN undeserves our regard;

Its reputation is burnt, frayed, and charred.

Yet still–it had the vain audacity

To branch off and start a new company

A “premiere service” with eyes on our purse

To fund a network that’s only got worse.

Now, like rubbish, laying dead in the dust

Is the aborted corpse of CNN+.

It scarce saw a month before it collapsed

To which we bid, CIAO!--why not? in all caps.

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